on underage executives

Now I love a child prodigy story (anything to accelerate you through those cruel high school years) but here I'm talking about underage access to business and executive lounges. Frankly, no-one under 25 should reasonably even want to be labelled executive, and the only business that the under-10s know about is not up for discussion. As Qantas lounges rapidly become simply a terminal-within-a-terminal (there's a newsagency in the Sydney domestic one, and now I'm just waiting for a Krispy Kreme concession and a Korjo travel adapter stand), I have still at least valued my Hilton Honors Gold status which usually gets me executive lounge access at the hotels. But even those are now experiencing what is presumably labelled "executive-creep" where more and more of the masses find themselves eligible for entry. And apparently their children. Which is weird, because I don't get to bring an adult guest. Anyway, the noise is one thing, and the ignorance of tong usage is worse, but the number of times now I have seen a perfectly good hors d'oeuvre layout sneezed on by a child really gets my goat. When will someone stand up for my right to untainted small eats? And more importantly, why are my withering gazes so ineffectual?

on the evils of drugs

EXEC 1: So what are we doing with the Bulgari account? They want something Monday.
EXEC 2: No, no it's cool, I've been thinking and I know this guy who knows Julianne Moore and apparently she did that Tom Ford movie for like next to nothing 'cause she's a fag hag or something and she forgot about the house repayments.
EXEC 1: She's the one that showed her merkan in that film isn't she?
EXEC 2: Maybe.
EXEC 1: Yeah, totally - this chick I was seeing made me watch it cause it was art or something. Full frontal. But I think she had a t-shirt on.
EXEC 2: Small breasts.
EXEC 1: Doesn't matter. As long as she'll get her kit off.
EXEC 2: Totally, because that is perfectly in sync with the second part of my idea.
EXEC 1: Which is?
EXEC 2: Cockatoos.
EXEC 1: [thinks] Oh my god. That is f'n brilliant.

on life reflecting art

Went to see Up In The Air tonight with fellow traveller Marisa, figuring that the subject matter would have a special resonance. Not so much the travelling around firing people (appealing though that is), but the general familiarity with (and slight addiction to) airports and airline/hotel loyalty schemes. Suffice to say that I was enlightened with new ways to use my Hilton Honors (sic) Gold card, but bemused that the American Airlines Admirals lounges in the movie bore exactly zero resemblance to any Admirals lounge I have encountered in reality. Nice try, AA.

when no means yes

Ah the sweet excitement of scanning your boarding pass at the gate only to see the fluorescent green "Unable to board" message come up on the screen. Because while it could mean that you're mistakenly trying to board a flight to Syracuse instead of Sydney, it's usually more likely that you have been upgraded since checking in. Thus, thanks to an upgrade to Premium Economy I have now achieved my goal of experiencing upstairs on the Qantas A380. There's about 30 premium seats and the rest are Business class, and I can report that they're not nearly so contemptuous with the curtain between them. Somewhat disappointingly, the seats don't seem any different to the Premium seats on the 747 - I had heard they were fancier. I am amused by the announcement that is made in the A380 on landing, requesting patience as the connection of aerobridges can take up to 10 minutes. Since you can watch them being connected on the video screen, however, one can notice a suspicious delay between connection of the three bridges and deplaning for economy - clearly making sure no one from riff-raff class beats the upper classes to duty free.

iron cord art 3

This iron is from the Hilton Singapore and at first I thought there was a distinct lack of effort involved here, but as it sat there on my bedside table (odd place for housekeeping to leave an iron) I came to appreciate its relaxed presence, and the lack of fussiness.

on increasingly inaccurate blog descriptions

Well, despite my previous protestations, I have now officially travelled in business class on a business trip, making a slight
mockery of this blog's justification. Presumably due to the much-publicised fact that business travellers are abandoning business class en masse in these times of belt-tightening, Qantas is obviously stuck with the problem of some fairly inflexible seating layouts. They are obviously saving money by reducing capacity on some routes (the daily Sydney-Tokyo is now A330 instead of 747), which means fuller planes - except in business class (and presumably first). So us upper tier frequent flyers are obviously reaping the benefits.

My recent upgrade to business class was Sydney to Hong Kong, and this time I hit the jackpot - "turn to right sir and proceed up the stairs." For those who have never been upstairs on a 747, it's all business class - only 6 rows of four seats. Once one is seated, it's like the 350-odd people downstairs simply don't exist. Of course, given that it was a day flight, the appeal of lying flat wasn't so apparent, and you realise that the main benefit is really just that level of removal from your fellow passengers. This was unfortunately challenged by the woman I was sitting next to who spoke no English and was determined that I should make selections and adjustments to her entertainment program whenever necessary. Strangely she seemed quite content to watch Wake In Fright (1971 Australian outback film) without any subtitles.

on travel weight gain

I am in an abusive relationship with the breakfast buffet. Every time we get back together it ends in tears. Unfortunately I just can't seem to stay away. I should clarify that I'm not talking about previously encountered questionable buffets. What I am talking about is the buffet of quality and variety such as I repeatedly encounter at the Hilton Kuala Lumpur. I try to justify eating the pan au chocolat by reminding myself that thin and glamorous French people eat them all the time, but I have to concede that they probably haven't already eaten a full plate of omelette, sausages, rendang and roti. I set myself the challenge every time I stay of attending the buffet but resisting its unnecessary advances, and I thought this time I was actually starting to gain the upper hand. Turns out that my strength of will only applies to breakfast, and not for happy hour at the executive club lounge. Damn those cute little pies.

on inaccurate blog descriptions

So my statement that this is a blog for someone who never travels business is now slightly less true. Although I won't change it just yet, because technically I still haven't travelled business class for business. I was however a recipient of an upgrade to business class on a personal trip. While lying flat(ish) is certainly desirable, I think it's actually the business class blanket that impressed me the most. If they provided those to economy (instead of the static-charged ones you normally get) then there'd be hundreds of happier people. But really I wanted to share the dangers of the business class upgrade. It's not that it spoils you for the next flight (although obviously it does) but more that one has to face the fact that one is probably not the only upgrade recipient. Thus, the general public that you think you left behind may indeed have snuck their way in front of the Curtain Of Privilege along with yourself. In this last particular instance, I shared the (spacious) row with a young gentleman who was, let's face it, a dirty hippy. I tolerated his (undoubtedly smelly) dreadlocks and his sandals, but what took the cake upon landing in Sydney was his need to get up WHILE WE WERE STILL SLOWING ON THE RUNWAY (where was the disciplinary flight attendant?), open the overhead bin to retrieve his ukulele, and then START PLAYING SAID UKULELE as though it were some sort of welcoming/cleansing ritual. All I could manage was a feeble "you can't be serious" to no-one in particular. I've said it before and I'll say it again. F**k'n hippies.

iron cord art 2

This is from Le Meridien Kota Kinabalu.

I'm impressed by a certain carefree casual elegance in this arrangement. But mostly I think I just like the smokey pink plastic.

on how to fly

Not so much flying lessons, but passenger etiquette:

1. Check-in. Tempting as it may be, don't feign ignorance or possession of a pram as a reason to use the priority check-in queue. Us frequent flyers have sweated for this privilege. And that "you're not really going to send me to the back of that queue over there, are you?" look is going to fall on suitably deaf ears. Or blind eyes, as the case may be. You knew you were trying to pull one.
2. Boarding. Take out whatever you will need on the plane before you board. If you must spend five minutes deciding which books/magazines/ipods/drugs/entertainment you need to pull out of your bag, please step into your seat row and out of the aisle. Remember, you only need to make it until they turn off the fasten seat belt sign. Also, people put valuables and breakables in their carry-on - leave the violent baggage handling to the professionals on the tarmac.
3. Seat pocket. You know how you can feel it when the person behind puts things in and out of the seat pocket? Well, you're doing the same to the person in front of you. Magazines and small items only, the seats are uncomfortable enough without an apple in the small of your back.
4. Departure. Seat back in the upright position and tray table locked during takeoff. No need to test them beforehand. If you have a child, please inform them that playing with the seat back, tray table, and seat pocket is a no-presents-from-Santa-this-year offence. Bring restraints if the child is prone to kicking the seat in front of them.
5. In the air. A simple check behind you before reclining is appropriate. Press the button while leaning forward, and then slowly push back into the seat. To get out of your seat, use the armrests and your seat back for leverage, not the one in front. I have been catapulted out of many a hard won nap by the forward grab and release method.
6. Space. Aisle and window seats have one non-challengeable armrest each, plus other benefits, so a sandwiched person should have at least one armrest allocated to them. Your size does not give you automatic armrest rights. Feet should be positioned within the armrest boundaries, as should shoes, handbags and superfluous blankets and pillows. Where one seat is significantly disadvantaged by the entertainment system box, the passenger should be allowed some courtesy space beyond the armrest boundary.
7. Deplaning. If you are from a row behind me, don't even try to leave before me.

By paying heed to these small rules, you can ensure that my, oops I mean your, next flying experience is at least tolerable.